Catching up

So as I start so many of my ramblings: It's been a while since I've written anything. So I'll update the only way I know how. By babbling semi-pointlessly.

I started school this week. It's really exciting! The first required class for the school is a bit tedious, but it'll get done. It's just a class on how everything works for the school, since it's all online.

Jordan had his first bug of sickness. That mixed with now teething has made for a fairly cranky week. We all ended up getting the bug. So we all had a day down. But Jordan's taking some more time getting over it. The doctor said this isn't anything to worry about. He's a baby and it's his first time getting sick. It's going to take some time for his body to recover. So we'll just slowly get him back to his regular diet. Until then, he's lost a little bit of weight. This makes Mommy sad. But he IS hungry, so that makes Mommy happy. :-)

Last night was the first night I've had to let him "cry it out." And let me tell you, it broke my heart into a million, tiny, itsy-bitsy pieces. I fed him, changed him, danced with him, sang to him, stroked his hair, gave him baby tylenol, gave him orajel. The only thing I didn't do was give him the teething tablets because I didn't want to mix those with the tylenol. I didn't know what kind of interaction it would cause. So after being up with him for just over an hour, I finally put him in his crib, closed his door, and let him cry himself back to sleep. While I waited, I putzed on the computer and cried quietly. It didn't take long for him to fall back to sleep. But it was the longest few minutes I've ever had.

He's sleeping now, but I assume he'll wake up shortly after midnight, or around three. Those seem to be his wake up times. I've got his teething tablets ready, and he is working some milk back into his system. So that will help satisfy him a bit more. Bless his little heart. He cried so hard this evening he had the quick catch inhales while he calmed down. Being a mom is hard!

On a positive note: Justin has pushed me into trying out for America's Got Talent. It doesn't sound as rough as it is. The initial idea was to have Lucas go. But Justin kept asking why I didn't go. My only answer was the baby. He told me that we'd "figure it out" if I go far enough. I've had many, many people ask me why I don't try out for American Idol or something. My answer has always been: "I don't want them to take it away from me." I love to sing. And to have someone make it not fun for me, I don't want that to happen. I'm still in that frame of mind. But I really don't think it's going to matter. I doubt I'll get passed the first round of auditions. Then I can say I did it, and move on. At the very least, it will be a good experience for me.............................althought it would be cool to perform once. :-)

Justin's been so sweet this week. I haven't done very much around the house due to sicknessess and school. I'd get on a roll, or get ready to get going on a roll and Jordan would throw up and throw the day into chaos. Or I was sick. Or I was working on school. It was always something this week. So next week, I will try to balance a little better. Mama's starting the juggling act. And I don't even have a job!!!!

Tonight...well tonight I just feel weird. Not actual physically weird. But mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. Part of it, I'm sure, is with Jordan. I'm irritated that he keeps crying. I KNOW it's not his fault. But I just want him to stop crying! I think what's making me so irritated is I can't fix it. He's hurting and I can't fix it. I also am feeling very nostalgic. Maybe that's because I was talking to an old friend. Plus I had a dream last night that put me back in a place from seven or eight years ago. I don't so much long for the past. I just, sometimes, I guess I just want it simpler again.

I hate myself for even thinking this, but a small part of me wishes for the more carefree days. Days when I wasn't "mommy Lissa."

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I love my child more than I love anything in this world times a million. The love I have for that baby is not even measureable. I would do anything for him, just tell me what and I'll do it. I love my life! I love my husband, my family, my path, all of it! But there is a part of me, however small it may be, that wants to just put it on hold for a day and go play. Just grab some friends, go to VI or Denny's, sit there all night with a neverending supply of coffee and some fries and just bullshit all night.

Hell. I couldn't even make it to midnight anymore! :-)

Growing up is hard. But like I said, I love my life and really wouldn't have it any other way. I may have taken some fucked up roads to get here, but I'm here. And it feels right. I have NO regrets about anything I've done. If I hadn't done them, I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have this perfect husband. These wonderful pups. And the most beautiful, precious, baby boy anyone could ever ask for. :-)

Blessed be, and good night.