Brain running rampant again...

Yeah, I know. Been a long time since I've written. Mainly because I was having issues with getting to sign in. But that's a pain in the ass that has come and gone.

Jordan is getting so big!!! I can't believe he'll be a year old in just two months. It brings about so many emotions. I'm happy to see him growing up so well. I'm sad to see him growing up so fast. I'm excited at seeing the person he is becoming. But I'm terrified of screwing him up. Ya know, the typical anxieties of a mom.
He's such a funny kid. Always laughing. And he's smart! Watching him understand and put together in his mind the things he does. I love it. Blessed doesn't even begin to cover how I feel.

Justin is his usual amazing self. I don't know how I managed to deserve him, with all the wrong I've done, but you better believe I'm holding on to him for dear life. :-)

Which is why my brain going the places it's going is pissing me off. I keep going into "what would've happened?" mode. And I've had two dreams this week where I've either cheated on him or just flat not with him. I wake up so mad from those dreams. I want to grab my brain and shake it and scream why is it doing this to me?

Arg! As far as things in life go, I'm pretty damn happy. I'm not really stressed. In fact, I don't remember a time when I was ever this happy and relaxed. And yet, I feel anxious. Not just because of the dreams, but I just have this anxiousness looming over me. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I constantly need to be on guard. But I'm not sure from what.

I find plenty of things to occupy the time that Jordan doesn't. I have school. I'm helping Lucas's fiance put the wedding together. I keep the house fairly clean. I don't know. I just feel like trouble is not far behind. Maybe that's what these dreams are telling me. Not that I'll be unfaithful at all, but just to watch out. Watch my step, make sure I'm careful in the decisions I make.

Or maybe I'm just reading too much into all of this and I need to just write them off as dreams and embrace the good around me. Stop over analyzing, quit obsessing, and just live my life accordingly.



So doesn't sound like something I'm gonna do. Hee hee.

Blessed Be and Good Night

Thinking too much?

Well, it's what I do. The thoughts have been coming so fast that I think they've been keeping me up at night.
I haven't been sleeping again. Despite trying sleeping pills or muscle relaxers. I'll get to about 1 a.m. and wake up. At that point, it's toss and turn, sleep for about half and hour, toss and turn, sleep another half hour, and this pattern repeats until about six, when Justin leaves. Then I doze for about another hour until Jordan gets up. The problem is either too many thoughts, or the fact that I need to switch pillows around again. Eh, we'll see.
Guys, avert your eyes of the next sentence. It's PMS week, so I want to eat. All the time I want to eat. And the fact that it's Christmas makes it harder because we have treats that I didn't even make laying around. I have been working really hard at how I eat. I've been eating less, drinking more water, adding more roughage, etc. But there's one......not really an "issue" because I've been working successfully around it. But I like what I eat. That's why I eat it. I've been raised on, as mom calls them, comfort foods. Home cookin'. She was raised on it. Her mother was raised on it. And the fact is, for the most part, it's not that bad for you. We always bring in veggies to the meal. Usually as fresh as they can be. We've worked in more whole grain and multi-grain stuff. And despite all the baking I did last week, I haven't eaten hardly any of it. I've eaten more of the actual bananas than the banana bread. And of the four or five batches of cookies I made last week, I've had about one out of each. If that.
No, I don't eat fantastically healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to. I don't want to limit myself and take away the things I love. Moderation is key, right? And that has been my friend over the last couple of weeks. I am so close to my initial goal. I am within about two to three pounds of it....(turn away here too, guys)....but I'm PMSing so I'm holding a bunch of water. And I'm sure I put a pound or so back on with the goodies we've had around the house. People have told me "it's that time of year! Don't worry about it!" But I do. If I could eat whatever I wanted and not worry about it, I would. But I've never been that way.
The truth is, I love food. And I love starchy foods. But I do enjoy fruits a lot, I enjoy veggies. Just not as much! :-) And honestly, it's only once in a while (usually about now) that I want junk food. I tend to ride in the middle of the road.
I'm not built to be skinny. I never wanted to be skinny. I don't mind being built like this. I'm built like a mom. Sure, a little out of shape. But that's fixable. The truth is...I'm not fully unhappy with the way I look. My body doesn't depress me. It does from time to time bum me out when I look at my outfit and see a belly poking over. But it's okay. I'm working on it. If it gets better GREAT!!! If it doesn't go down much at all, that's okay too. My family loves me for who I am, not how I look. My friends to do too!......right? :-) Just kidding. If someone looks at me and says "She's fat, I don't want to get to know her", then so be it. Let them be that small of a person. I keep people in my life that make me happy and make me smile. That will never change.
I'm a work in progress. School detoured me last week. If I wasn't playing with the baby, I was working on my paper. Paper is done. The next class should be fairly quick and easy. And my motivation is back up. Time to take care of business!
So anyway....Vegas is a few weeks away. I started back with my exercising today. Gotta tone up the wings and help burn the blubber. I am SO excited to go on this trip! I've never been, and this will be mine and Justin's first vacation together. It'll also be my first vacation in....um....well, since I was a kid and would fly to see my dad. As for REAL vacation for playing...I don't think I've been on one since I went to Disneyland in '88.
And I want to look sexy! No, I won't be fully ideal by then. But I can be on my way and still look good in a dress! :-)
Now on to something more positive. Jordan. I told either Justin or mom that I don't need a Christmas present this year, that he is my gift. He was just a few months early for Christmas. Last night, I nearly cried at how full of love I was for him. I just wanted to snuggle with him and not stop. He is such an amazing baby. Beautiful, funny, playful, smart.....perfect. He really is the best gift I've ever been given. It's going to be very hard for me when we go next month. It's one thing to have him stay at my parents' house over night. He's just up the road. We'll be hundreds of miles away! I know he'll be fine. But it'll still be tough.
So...thank you for reading my blog today. It is likely my last ramble before Christmas. So to all my friends and loyal readers.......don't you have some presents to wrap? :-)

Merry Christmas!!!

Loving life!

I complain. A lot. If something's bothering me, I voice it and it's done.

I have nothing to complain about!!!! :-) I am so loving my life right now!

I have an amazing family. A husband who is always there, takes wonderful care of us, and is just as loving and fantastic as he can be. I have a freakin' fabulous child! The child I asked for, the child I prayed for, and the child I always dreamed I'd have. I have him. He's sweet, fun, funny, and beautiful!!

My mom always said that her family is her heartbeat. And I really do understand that now. There's nothing I wouldn't do for these...lights in my life. That's what they do. They light my soul! No matter how tired and grumpy I am when I wake up, I always smile when I see that angel in his crib scootin around and smiling up at me. Or on weekends, when I get a "Good morning, honey!" from Justin.

Life is great! I won't say it's perfect. Because once it's perfect, what's left to strive for? But it's pretty damn close.

Never before...

...have I actually written about this. I don't think I have anyway. But writing seems to be a better and better way for me to get my thoughts out. Especially the obsessive ones, which this is.
I know I have a weight problem. And this problem is starting to get out of hand. I love food. I can't help it. I love the stick to your ribs food like chicken and dumplings, fried chicken and mashed potatoes, beef stew, steak...I could go on and on! I love to eat. I was raised a meat and potatoes girl. Its because of this love of food that I learned to cook all the stuff that I love to eat.
I know that veggies are a staple, and I eat them. I try to work in a salad everyday, if not green beans.
Lately though, it's been so much easier to just say "fuck it" and go grab some fast food or make something really quick and/or uber filling. By the end of a day with the baby, I'm usually pooped and don't want to do anything other than spaghetti, or tacos, or hamburger gravy. Even on the nights that I do cook something fairly involved, it's a horrible food.
I almost want to say its safe to say that I have an obsession with food. And its getting worse. But the obsession is no longer just with food, but with my weight. My appearance. I weigh myself nearly everyday. And I cry at it almost everyday.
Tonight, while getting ready to go to dinner with my parents (already planning on just getting the salad bar after the rest of today's eatings...), I was getting dressed, and something didn't feel right. I felt all bulgy and gross. So I got my little hand mirror so I could see how my back looked in the mirror. And low and behold, it was bulgy and gross. The bra was too tight, and I was rolling all over it. I wanted to throw up, still do as I'm writing this. I put on a bigger bra, and while it was improved, the flab was still there.
I got a couple of really cute shirts about two weeks ago. One for The Little Mermaid and one for The Beatles. I can't hardly wear them. Not only are my breasts too big and they make the shirt too short, but my belly is too. It is disgusting and I want it to go away.
If I could starve myself, I would. I know all the things I need to do to make it better. And I am, and will continue, to do them. I keep using the excuse that PMS has just been a bitch this month, and I will be better in a few days. And maybe that's it. But all in all, I need to fix this problem.
I told Justin, at breakfast this morning, that something's happening because I can't eat as much as I could about a week or so ago. I feel like I'm constantly eating. And maybe it's because I'm constantly eating crap that I feel so gross. I talk to my friend about this all the time. I know what I need to eat, and I really do try. But I'm really just not a fan of the healthy stuff. Even my salads are "bland" by comparison. I like broccoli, so I eat lots of that when I can. But if I get it to keep at the house, I'll cut it up, but never eat it. Same with carrots, fruits (except bananas), and other snackable veggies. I also don't do the super healthy way of eating. I like my foods breaded, or seasoned, or something.
I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. And no, I'm not writing this as a cry for help, or advice on what to try. I don't want responses saying "try this" or "have you tried this?". I don't do the "quick fix" or "fads" or even programs. I know what works for me. I just have to get on the horse and stay on it.
Fuck. I know I can do this. I've done it before. I lost about 30 lbs once I got out of my first marriage and out of depression. Now the only thing depressing me is my body. Everything else in my life is wonderful! Do I need help? Not yet. Do I want help? Yes. But this is something that I need to do for myself, for my health, for my peace of mind. Justin will love me if I was 300lbs, and so would Jordan. But I wouldn't. It may be conceited, but this is all about me. My shit to get through.

October 31st vs November 1st

It's just under two weeks before Halloween. Possibly my favorite holiday. Why? I'm not really sure anymore. Maybe it's the sense of nostalgia. Maybe it's the sight of all the cute little kids in their costumes. Maybe it's the fun of carving pumpkins (which coincides with the nostalgia, I think). Maybe it's just the smell in the air. There is a distinctive smell on Halloween night that only belongs to Halloween night. I may be crazy, but smell it every year. It's crisp. No matter if it's 8 or 80 degrees...there is a crispness to the air. I love it.
But something happens between October 31st and November 1st. It must happen while we're sleeping, because I've never seen the transition. There is an immediate shift from fun to family, it would seem. Don't get me wrong. Fun and family go together. But Halloween, for the most part, is for kids. The costumes, the candy, the decorations. But once November 1st rolls around, it switches to planning for the holidays. Thanksgiving is only 20-some days away. Christmas less than two months away.
I'm not talking about the actual visualization of around the towns. Yes, after Halloween, those decorations come down and the Christmas ones go up. They don't make much in the way of Thanksgiving decorations. But that's another ramble for another day. No, I'm talking about the feel in the air. It's almost like you wait for the snow to start falling, the leaves to be swept away. You're ready for the final ending of the seasons.
Autumn into Winter brings the death of nature. It happens every year. It's all part of the cycle of life. I look forward to this death every year. Maybe because I love to watch the rebirth in the Spring. Maybe because I love feel of snow during the winter months. The crunch of the leaves? The smell of fireplaces burning?
I wish I could put my finger on it. But to make a long story short. I love this time of year. From now until the first bloom appears on the tree in Spring, I am pretty much in pure bliss. If only the weather would cooperate and stop going into the 70's and 80's for afternoon temperatures...

"Good" vs affordable

So this last weekend, we went up to Denver for my audition for America's Got Talent. I felt great about it! We'll see what happens with it. But we got done way sooner than we expected. So we decided to play around Denver for the afternoon. We went to lunch at P.F. Chang's so I could endulge in the best eggrolls I've ever had. We didn't really know what else to do, because Denver is fairly expensive. The zoo was packed, so that was a no go.

Everytime we drive into or out of Denver, we pass by Park Meadows Mall. Justin always tells me it is this real swanky mall. Very fancy, upscale places. And by the looks of it outside, it is! Well, it should've been anyway, but we'll get to that in a minute. So I told Justin that it'd be fun to go check it out. We didn't have to spend anything, I just wanted us to feel fancy. :-)

So we go. And upon looking at the outside of the building, I have to admit, I was a little intimidated. Maybe a mall isn't always just a mall. We went in to the Nordstrom entrance. I had never been in a Nordstrom before. I have to admit, it was pretty nice. Nothing super fancy. Slightly more upscale than, say, Macy's. There was a guy there playing the piano (which, incidently, he was playing "Open Arms" by Journey, which was my audition song), and some very cushy chairs (which Justin said were for the guys. He said it, not me.) Oh, and the women's fitting room was called the "Women's Lounge". Maybe I wasn't fancy enough to be in this mall after all. We stepped outside into the main mall, and that's where the fancy pretty well ended.

With the exception of the pathways being carpetted, all the stores were pretty much the same as what I'd see in a Colorado Springs mall. There was an Abercrombie and Fitch, Victoria's Secret, Hot Topic (that was a little unexpected), and several other "staple" stores. I did see a Coach store, as well as a M-A-C store...which is just makeup. Higher label makeup. So that was a bit new for me.

We headed towards our entrance in Nordstrom, and I looked closer at the clothes. While cute, they weren't all that different than what I could find at Wal-mart, Kohl's, or ROSS. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd seen some of those labels at ROSS. So out of curiosity, I picked up a price tag on a fairly basic blouse. $140!!!!!!!!! For a frickin' shirt!!!! My curiosity had piqued. I picked up a pair of boots....$225!!!!! And I had literally seen the same style of boots at Wal-mart. These ones were just higher up on the leg. I couldn't believe what I was seeing!

Are these clothes and shoes really made so much better than those found at Walmart? I mean, I have stuff in my closet and drawers that are from the "cheap" places and I've had them for years! It was at that point that I knew I wasn't fancy enough for this place. Nor was I snooty enough either. I mean it. The people in there actually looked at me like they didn't know me, and what the hell was I doing in their store.

I even went to Victoria's Secret to actually get properly fitted for a bra. I'm not a small girl. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm quite top heavy. The lady measured me and actually gave me a look of "What the hell are you doing here?" while saying (in perfect customer service tone) "Unfortunately, we don't carry those sizes. You could try Nordstrom." I'd hate to see what they charge for a basic plus size bra.

My point in this rant/review of my Park Meadows Mall experience: I'll stick to my cheap stores. While I want to scream nearly everytime I'm in Walmart, I still feel fairly welcome there. I feel normal. I don't feel like I should have a special brand of clothes on just to be in there.

And the truth? A mall, is a mall, is a mall. They really are all the same.

Thank you for following along in my babbles.

Catching up

So as I start so many of my ramblings: It's been a while since I've written anything. So I'll update the only way I know how. By babbling semi-pointlessly.

I started school this week. It's really exciting! The first required class for the school is a bit tedious, but it'll get done. It's just a class on how everything works for the school, since it's all online.

Jordan had his first bug of sickness. That mixed with now teething has made for a fairly cranky week. We all ended up getting the bug. So we all had a day down. But Jordan's taking some more time getting over it. The doctor said this isn't anything to worry about. He's a baby and it's his first time getting sick. It's going to take some time for his body to recover. So we'll just slowly get him back to his regular diet. Until then, he's lost a little bit of weight. This makes Mommy sad. But he IS hungry, so that makes Mommy happy. :-)

Last night was the first night I've had to let him "cry it out." And let me tell you, it broke my heart into a million, tiny, itsy-bitsy pieces. I fed him, changed him, danced with him, sang to him, stroked his hair, gave him baby tylenol, gave him orajel. The only thing I didn't do was give him the teething tablets because I didn't want to mix those with the tylenol. I didn't know what kind of interaction it would cause. So after being up with him for just over an hour, I finally put him in his crib, closed his door, and let him cry himself back to sleep. While I waited, I putzed on the computer and cried quietly. It didn't take long for him to fall back to sleep. But it was the longest few minutes I've ever had.

He's sleeping now, but I assume he'll wake up shortly after midnight, or around three. Those seem to be his wake up times. I've got his teething tablets ready, and he is working some milk back into his system. So that will help satisfy him a bit more. Bless his little heart. He cried so hard this evening he had the quick catch inhales while he calmed down. Being a mom is hard!

On a positive note: Justin has pushed me into trying out for America's Got Talent. It doesn't sound as rough as it is. The initial idea was to have Lucas go. But Justin kept asking why I didn't go. My only answer was the baby. He told me that we'd "figure it out" if I go far enough. I've had many, many people ask me why I don't try out for American Idol or something. My answer has always been: "I don't want them to take it away from me." I love to sing. And to have someone make it not fun for me, I don't want that to happen. I'm still in that frame of mind. But I really don't think it's going to matter. I doubt I'll get passed the first round of auditions. Then I can say I did it, and move on. At the very least, it will be a good experience for me.............................althought it would be cool to perform once. :-)

Justin's been so sweet this week. I haven't done very much around the house due to sicknessess and school. I'd get on a roll, or get ready to get going on a roll and Jordan would throw up and throw the day into chaos. Or I was sick. Or I was working on school. It was always something this week. So next week, I will try to balance a little better. Mama's starting the juggling act. And I don't even have a job!!!!

Tonight...well tonight I just feel weird. Not actual physically weird. But mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. Part of it, I'm sure, is with Jordan. I'm irritated that he keeps crying. I KNOW it's not his fault. But I just want him to stop crying! I think what's making me so irritated is I can't fix it. He's hurting and I can't fix it. I also am feeling very nostalgic. Maybe that's because I was talking to an old friend. Plus I had a dream last night that put me back in a place from seven or eight years ago. I don't so much long for the past. I just, sometimes, I guess I just want it simpler again.

I hate myself for even thinking this, but a small part of me wishes for the more carefree days. Days when I wasn't "mommy Lissa."

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I love my child more than I love anything in this world times a million. The love I have for that baby is not even measureable. I would do anything for him, just tell me what and I'll do it. I love my life! I love my husband, my family, my path, all of it! But there is a part of me, however small it may be, that wants to just put it on hold for a day and go play. Just grab some friends, go to VI or Denny's, sit there all night with a neverending supply of coffee and some fries and just bullshit all night.

Hell. I couldn't even make it to midnight anymore! :-)

Growing up is hard. But like I said, I love my life and really wouldn't have it any other way. I may have taken some fucked up roads to get here, but I'm here. And it feels right. I have NO regrets about anything I've done. If I hadn't done them, I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have this perfect husband. These wonderful pups. And the most beautiful, precious, baby boy anyone could ever ask for. :-)

Blessed be, and good night.